I am to wits end

I am at wits end damnit. I poor my heart and soul into loving someone for years, hiding it so i knew it wouldnt hurt him and his family. I was there for years to try to help, support, be a friend no matter what, even defended him when I knew he was in wrong because i knew he was in a dark place, talked him out of so many dark places to count and I NEVER left him. I wanted to be by his side no matter what but I could not. He was always there for me and I was always there for him, I was stupid and fell in love with someone already taken. I was stupid and fell in love with a man who could not give his all. I was stupid after I could not hide my feelings anymore and I sent him a simple video and I left it at that for afew days. When he got back to me about video he wanted to talk to me about it. Saying he had felt same way (which anymore I do not know what to believe anymore if that was even true). I thought (stupid me) I had found my soul mate. We grew closer and closer and one day he proposed (which then he said he didn't know where it came from, now I do not know if he had meant it). We started planning (or I did actually...he didnt want to help), he wanted to move to FL after divorce was final (I started looking for houses...he only found things wrong with them or agreed on them). I would ask him if he still loved me (I think I knew answer) but he kept getting mad and saying yes. He filed for divorce (which I thought to my self thank god I finally will be with the man I love) I was beyond happy and full of joy. Then one day as always I said good morning sweetheart how did you sleep and then after that because  I had the house completely to myself I asked if he wanted to talk on face to face since he had gotten a Iphone and he got really upset and started yelling, as always I apologized like always. The next day he text message saying we need to talk, call when you can. Which I did about 20 or 30 min later because I'd been in hospital for afew days before that. He said all I do is piss him off anymore and he was breaking it off and did not want to talk to me.

With that I was upset beyond words, during this time I had a colonoscopy facing cancer along with all of my neuro diseases taking over my body (he said he never cared about my health problems but I think that is what the issue is), nothing else. He told my friend from back in the Navy that he loved me and still cared for me, even told her that he loved MY daughter as his own, do you think he ever ONCE told me? NO!!!!!! I've been continuously hurt repeatedly, how much more can I take? I wrote him a letter (about 6 pages wrote out) of all of my feelings towards him, my friend said that he said he read it multiple times but do you think I ever heard crap?!?!?!

I hear from my friend that he does not know what his wife did afew years ago while in the hospital which upset me because I told him repeatedly since the meds were out of his system after his surgery, I NEVER held anything back!!!! I talked to him calmly, helped him look for apartment (against advice of my friend, she says why help him if he's hurting you, why because I love him with everything!!!!) I even wrote a letter to his attorney and the courts for his divorce outlining everything that she did that I was aware of while he was in the hospital. Because he wanted to move away from PA after the divorce was final I suggested moving to KY to be closer to my friend, that way I knew he was safe, and he could help her with her medical stuff and her son and her husband would not have to worry as much. Offered to pass the apartment complex I had found to him so he could look and I get yelled at. WHAT THE FUCK CAN I DO!?!?!?!?! I love him with everything but I cannot keep dealing with this being treated this way. I've been giving him the precious space he wants along with helping him with him finding apartment and helping with divorce as much as I can. I am not shit to him, that is what it feels like, I don't think I ever have been. In the past few weeks while dealing with colonoscopy and waiting for biopsy results and the neuro diseases I have felt like garbage, felt like nothing, lower than nothing. NOONE TREATS MY DAUGHTER LIKE THIS, MY EX HUSBAND TREATED ME LIKE THIS.....I WILL NOT DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE!!!

Tonight I got fed up and laid it all out, told him to delete both letters I wrote him, the one with my feelings and the other for his attorney. I know he wont delete the one for his attorney because that benefits him only!!!